Friday, March 28, 2014

Excerpts From the TOONS Apex Catalog

The third book in my TOONS series, Friendly Forest, is now available for download. To celebrate, I present these pages from the never-before-seen Apex Corporation catalog.

In my series, TOONS, the Apex Corporation has furnished active Looneyville citizens with the the latest gadgets and accessories to wreak havoc or enhance their lives. Here's are some sample listings from the 2014 Apex catalog...

Item #8463 - Apex Feather Suit

How many times has this happened to you: you set up a bomb to blow up your worst enemy when suddenly it goes off by "accident." Now you've been reduced to nothing but a smoldering cinder, which wouldn't be so bad, except you've burned off all your feathers! And we know how long those take to grow back.

Well, now you don't have to wait for them to grow back! Just order an Apex Feather Suit. It's available in a wide variety of colors and styles to match your specific plumage. Just pull it on, zip it up, and you're ready for a night on the town. And for the active bird, they're also available in six-packs.

Item #51448 - Classic Dynamite

The old-fashioned red stick of dynamite has been a Looneyville favorite for mass destruction for decades. Now, on the fiftieth anniversary of the day the first stick of dynamite rolled off the Apex assembly line, we bring you the Classic Dynamite stick.

Each handsome stick of dynamite is individually-crafted from the finest ingredients with no additives or fillers. After being hand-painted by old-world artisans, a 100% hand-woven cotton wick is placed in the end. After being thoroughly checked for defects, the dynamite stick is then wrapped in gold foil and sealed into a genuine oak box. Each is given a certificate of authenticity and numbered before shipping.

The Classic Dynamite Stick is a genuine collector's item. Pass it down through your family for generations to commemorate this historic event. Or light it and blow it up in your enemy's face. He'll be proud to have been incinerated by a work of art like this.

Item #187911 - Steel-Jaw Trap

So you're chasing a fast-moving jaguar down a highway or you're trying to catch a huge 500-pound bear in the middle of the woods. In either case, you can't get too close. What's an anthro to do?

That's easy - get yourself an Apex Steel-Jaw Trap. These cast-iron beauties are a must for any serious hunter. Just unfold one, lock it into place, and bait the spring mechanism with any food or object your enemy desires most. Then run, hide, and wait for your victim to trigger the, you've got him! We recommend you also buy one of our durable Apex Hammers to knock him out with.

Warning: Apex is not responsible for injuries that may occur if you get caught in the trap yourself while trying to set it...

Item #4739 - Anvil

Once upon a time, the anvil was used by noble blacksmiths as a support for forging metal tools like swords, horseshoes, and DVDs. It was the symbol of determination and construction.

Of course, here in Looneyville, we've come up with a new use for the anvil - dropping on other people. Yes, just drop a genuine Apex Anvil from any height to hear that satisfying clang as it squashes your opponent.

As a bonus, the Apex Anvil has been improved. Now available in six designer colors, the Apex Anvil has also been specially shaped just for combat. It delivers a louder, more musical clang than generic anvils, and is aerodynamic to speed up its fall.

Try an Apex Anvil today. Your enemy won't know what hit 'em.

Item #21342 - Multi-Paint

Have to paint something in a hurry? Perhaps a mural of a road to hide a dead-end? Maybe a doorway to escape through? Or maybe just a photo-realistic picture of yourself to confuse an enemy? But you don't have time to get out three or four cans of different colored paint, stencil out the artwork, and do the painting. You need a painting and you need it fast!

Then you need Apex Multi-Paint, the only multi-paint endorsed by Carnivore University. With Apex Multi-Paint, one can does it all. Using space-age polymers, ribonucleic dyes, and biofeedback brain-wave monitors mixed right in, Multi-Paint will actually do the painting for you! Just dip one brush in the can, then run it over any surface, and it will automatically paint it in the exact image you want. No messy piles of brushes or cans to deal with. So order your can of multi-paint today, and bring out the artist in you!

Find out more about the Apex Corporation in part 3, Friendly Forest. You can also start with Living in Looneyville, the first of the TOONS series.

To hear about my new releases first and get a free short story, sign up for my newsletter

No comments:

Post a Comment

To be the first to find out about my new releases, as well as a free ebook, sign up here:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...