Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Written

I've written hundreds of short stories and novels over the years, so many I literally can't remember them all (although whether that's due to my prolific writing or poor memory is up for debate). Since I started self-publishing, I've been going through my old document files to see what I can publish. I freely admit, not all of it is worth publishing, and will never see the light of day. But I stumbled across a manuscript that I believe might be the dumbest thing I've ever written.

It's called Hunting Elvis Presley For Fun and Profit, a guidebook to hunting down Elvis Presley like a wild animal. Nothing more, nothing less. I wrote it under the pseudonym Dr. Miami Bohica, because...I don't know why. It has chapters on the different breeds of Elvis Presley including Splotch Elvis and Big Boned Elvis, how to find Elvis Presley (donut shops are a good start), how to tell the difference between Elvis Presley and an Elvis impersonator, how to capture Elvis, how to exploit him for maximum profits, and more.

Don't ask me why I wrote it; I'm not even that big of an Elvis fan. I think it's because my Mom used to read the National Enquirer, and they used to have endless stories of people spotting Elvis in grocery stores and stains on their wall. It's not long, only 8,000 words, so I knew it would be hard to sell to publishers without illustrations and I can't really draw. It's also not something that I could think of selling to a magazine, because I couldn't think who would buy it. So I just wrote it, got a giggle out of it, and forgot about it.

Well, guess what? Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, you can now experience the silliness. If I find something dumber than this, I'll let you know.

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