Monday, May 25, 2015

Excerpt From "Little Green Men": Employment Agency

One of my current works-in-progress is Little Green Men, a sequel to my previous comedy/sci-fi work, Flying Saucers. In Flying Saucers, Jeffrey Foster was a simple convenience store clerk who helped stop an alien invasion of Earth. In the end, he left Earth to seek out a new life in outer space. But in Little Green Men, he discovers that the Xenon Empire is planning revenge against Earth for its resistance, and he must become the hero he never wanted to be. But before that, he tries to adjust to life in the Galaxy. In this scene, he tries to get a job on the planet Mallow, the safest and most boring planet in the Universe. 

Jeffrey tried not to stare at the Mallowite on the other side of the desk. The alien's head bobbed slightly from the breeze of an air conditioning vent as it looked over some papers.

The Mallowite, whose name was Squeekeek, frowned. It spoke in Zirconian, which Jeffrey's headband translated into a metallic voice in English. "All right, Mister, uh, Foostuher."

Jeffrey leaned forward. "Foster."

"Right." Squeekeek flipped a page. "I've been reviewing your resume and I'm a little confused. You say you've been working for an establishment called ZippoMart on a planet called Earth. Where is Earth?"

Jeffrey opened his mouth, and paused. "Uh, well, it's in the Milky Way Galaxy."

Squeekeek stared at him with big black eyes. "Okay. We're already in the Milky Way Galaxy. What quadrant is it in?"

Jeffrey glanced around, hoping to see a map. He didn't. "Uh, I'm not very good at astronomy."

"I see. What did you do at this Zippomart?"

Jeffrey waved his hand in the air. "Well, it was a convenience store. We sold things people wanted to buy."

The Mallowite leaned back in his chair. "Ah. Well, there isn't much call for that these days. Robots do most of that on our world. We'll need to check for references. What's their HoloVision ID so we can contact them?"

Jeffrey scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, well, you see, on my planet, we didn't have HoloVision. We were still working on the Internet. And cell phones."

"Oh, a barbarian planet."

Jeffrey scowled. "We weren't barbarians."

"Calm down. It's just the term we use for planets that are so woefully backwards technologically that they're practically banging rocks and sticks together." Squeekeek made some notes on the paper. "All right, we'll leave that aside for a moment. It looks like you failed to fill out any of our skill tests. We need to know your qualifications."

The Mallowite slipped a paper full of check boxes across the table.

 Jeffrey looked over the paper. "Uh, yeah, I didn't really know what to do with that. I can't read Xenonian yet."

The Mallowite frowned. "You can't read Xenonian? Didn't you go to school?"

"Yes, but that was on Earth. I mean, I learned the basics, like Earth history and geography, which isn't really useful out here. Some math, but I sucked at math classes. Same with science classes. I know how to read and write English and a little bit of Spanish. But, uh, no one uses that out here. I didn't even take shop classes."

The Mallowite counted off on his fingers. "But surely you learned some of the basics like quantum filament entanglement and hydrosolar positioning?"

"Nope. Never even heard of those."

The Mallowite wobbled in a sigh. "Well, I'm sorry, but you don't seem qualified for any positions we have available."

Jeffrey felt his temperature rise as he got up from his chair. "Great. Well, I guess I'll just be an organ donor."

"No, your organs are completely unsuitable for any other lifeform."

"I can take up begging for change."

The Mallowite shook its head. "No, actually you can't. Begging is illegal on Mallow."

Jeffrey threw up his hands. "Well, what am I supposed to do?"

The Mallowite reached for a pamphlet in one of his drawers, and held it out to Jeffrey.

Jeffrey read it. "Five Easy Ways to Commit Suicide."

Jeffrey stomped out of the office, throwing the pamphlet to the ground.

Want to catch up in expectation of the new novel? Download Flying Saucers today!

UPDATE: Part one of Little Green Men is now on sale!

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